The high price of following your heart.

i wrote this about five months ago when I was in Mexico with a friend; We were living in his van, surfing, fishing, meeting great people, drinking ice cold cheap beers and just living day by day.

It’s funny that the moment i thought i was living the life of my dreams this is where my brain went. I have been journaling for about ten years, and i absolutely love it. Sometimes I want to write things down because i, myself do not know how to voice my feelings. In one of those moments this is what I ended up writing.

Traveling has been and maybe it will always be the best thing that has ever happened in my life. it has taught me a lot about myself, the person i wanted to hide from the rest of the world, the person who i thought could never be good enough, the person i was trying to make smaller and smaller by the hour.

The things that the road has taught me i probably would never be able to learn sitting in a class full of people, seeking a degree, i learned more about my mind and my boundaries than any psychologist could ever help me to see.

the thing is: i dont want to do that anymore. Sounds crazy right? its something i love, one of the best lessons of my life, and something i find great pleasure in doing but i just got to the point that i cannot just let myself roam without a purpose, i started this journey over 4 years ago with a purpose and now i find myself randomly picking a next spot on the globe to surf, meet great people and be a beach bum. I am so far from my essence, of my purpose that i could not see all the signs telling me to slow down and go to a different direction.

i sacrificed my relationship with my family, i dont have a close circle of friends anymore, i haven’t had a “normal” job in, well, a while, and i dont even know what’s like to feel comfortable in one place, have a house to call home, i do not understand what is like to not be scared of commiting to anything or anyone.

Perhaps this all sounds a bit mad, because everyone (i can assure that) would love to have freedom, time and money but once you only have that but nothing else to call yours, or no one to come home to, no family or friend closer than a few thousand miles, it is gonna hurt.

may we all go on wanders and enjoy the time spent on our own, know ourselves, be comfortable in our own skin, and may we go back to where we belong to share with those we love the things we have learned.

There was I, 4 and a half years ago looking for myself, and today i could not feel further from the person i have found.

i am going home, wherever that is.


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