cold & bitter

My body shudders every time i think of you showing me affection, be it in a hug, asking me how my day was or even sitting down, giving me time to talk and a shoulder to cry on.

This is all very foreign to us.

Lying down on the floor where i learned to take my first steps and letting my tears wash away those memories, and the lessons learned right there. Maybe this is just another one.

You can't feel your heart, they say. I wish.

All the unsaid words left a knot on my throat and I swear it is killing me. You cannot die from unsaid words, you just cannot, but every time I think about it, i feel like your indifference could bury me alive. Everything i ever do is to call your attention, is to get some some of affection and love, but the expectation and disappointment could honestly kill me.

I wish we had more in common than just our looks, I wish we had stuff to talk about besides how much you can accomplish in a day.

How could the arms that carried me for so long seem so foreign? I lived off you, i depended on you for so long, and then suddenly you just expect me to get over it, to just go on with my life? The life you have no clue what happens in.

You walk away when you see me cry, you avoid my questions and my attention, you say you miss me but when i am around you act like i am not there. You say you love me but you don't even know who i am, and how am i supposed to not feel like every person that comes my way and say those words to do the same? How can I come close to trusting people if you taught me how to lie?

You say I've built walls around me that makes it impossible to get closer, but can't you see you are the one that has lifted this wall? You cemented every single brick of this wall.

I made some coffee to try and take my mind off these negative feeling. It's 10pm and I made coffee because there was nothing else to do, even though we were under the same roof.

I made some coffee and now i am afraid of drinking it because it will taste exactly like all I'm feeling now: cold and bitter.

Happy mother's day, ma!

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